Grandmother Spider's SpiritWeb

This is a difficult position for anyone to be in. It may be time for you to do some soul searching and decide if you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't accept all that you are.

Marriage at first may be very romantic, but as you go along through the years, differences of opinion and beliefs can grow to be painful and can disrupt your life together. Speaking from almost 30 years of marriage, I will testify to that. If I knew now what I know then.... Well you have heard that one.

Perhaps you should discuss with him what is going to happen in the next 30-60 years. Perhaps you will change your belief, or he, but that is unlikely. Can he live with what you are? What about children if you should decide to have them?

Religion, and belif systems are a fundamental part of who we are. It is like giving up a physical part of our body if we decide to "give it up." But can we actually change our beliefs?

Actually, in order to learn and grow, we need to be willing to give up our "beliefs" in order to learn. Or, we will not learn and believe what we have learned. Oh...I won't get into that one.

My husband doesn't believe what I do, but he credits me with intellegence and doesn't interfere with what I believe, and choose to practice. I raised my son to know Christianity as well as discover his own belif system. He chose to be Pagan. Not by my chosing it for him. My husband was disappointed, but he doesn't feel it is right to force one's own religious practices on another.

My husband's family are fundys. If they lived closer to me, this would be an extremely unpleasant and difficult life for me to live. I don't believe in causing anyone anxiety, so when they visit, I put my altar and the tools and my books in a private place. If they happen to wander there....oh, well.

My 90 year old father in law was here for 3 months. He couldn't help but see that I believed something different than he. It is apparent in my art, and my lifestyle. If my hubby had to have this conflct around all the time, we would not have made it the almost 30 years.

So, my thought would be for you to reevaluate your proposed marriage, handfasting. If neither of you can adapt, then there my be a reason that you don't go through with this committment. Perhaps you are not meant to be together. Also, think about "growing old together." Look at him and see him as he will be in 20, 30, 40 years. Look at other men in his family to see how he will act, or look in those years. How does he behave towards his mother, his sisters, and other family memebers? How about his friends? Is he generous or self serving? You might get an idea how adaptable he might eventually become.

Oh...sheesh. I do run on. But I do hope you give a lot of thought to the future you may have. It could be a painful lesson.

When your fiance strongly disapproves of your choice of religion and reacts negatively to everything you say or do, then I think you should be looking for a new boyfriend.

You are not a possession of your fiance that he can dictate to you what religion you must follow, many woman are oppressed by societies because of religion if you have not been born into a very strict religious family, and there are ways to get out of situations such as those with help available from Women's groups.

Follow your heart, what does it say to you! find another man that appreciates you and the choices you make, for yourself my husband and I may not always agree on everything but he is not religious, and does not abuse me for my choice of religion, your fiance may change his mind but it can take a lot of deprogramming on your part, it is hard for some people to break with religious practices especially if their families are from strict Catholic or Christian backgrounds like the Mormons, etc.

This is really a choice of the heart, and what you want to do with your life, if you wish to remain Pagan you may need to end your relationship with your current boyfriend, the situation is entirely up to you and 'You Alone' may the Goddess and God give you guidiance on this very important question.

Brightest Of Blessings: LadyMeg :) )O(

Sorry to hear about your difficulties.

I can't say that this has happened to me; my husband was Christian-ish, but has since dropped it altogether and has adopted a more atheist attitude. He never gave me any problems about my religion, either before or now. My only problem with him in this respect is how he always seems to want to interrupt me at the most unopportune times, and wants to watch sometimes, (as though it was a circus act) but that's a subject for another post....



There are people out there that believe strongly in the whole Christian thing, but are able to leave others alone. Being a Born-Again-type (or similar) doesn't automatically make someone insensitive to others' beliefs. However, it does seem to be a prevalent attitude among many of the hard-core Christians.



It's sad that we automatically assume that the Pagan must "convert" in a circumstance like this. It's almost like saying that our religion is "at fault", and in a way, invalid.



I remember reading an interview with a Heavy Metal singer named King Diamond. He's one of the few musicians that really is a Satanist. (They used to say that about every one of them, ya know.) What he said in the interview about his religion has stayed with me, because it holds a bit of universal truth. He was asked if he ever tried to convert people to Satanism. His answer was no. The reason he gave for this was, "If someone actually succeeded in converting me to Christianity, I would be a really bad Christian. So why try to convert others to Satanism?"



Does anyone think I'm strange for finding wisdom in this? His personal religious beliefs aside, I believe his comment raises an interesting point. If you converted to Christianity for your fiance, would you be a good Christian? Would your heart be in it? Could you follow along with the teachings? Could you raise your children wholeheartedly in this belief system? Could you denounce your own religion when you profess to all and sundry that there is only "one god"? Would you be willing to go to one of their sermons and "testify" about your former "sinful" ways? Could you stand in front of the congregation and the pastor (or whatever they call their main dude) and renounce Paganism while professing your undying love for their god, their savior and their teachings? Or would you be lying? Would it break your heart to separate from the Gods? Would participating in their church become nothing more than a mindless exercise to you that you bear in order to "keep the peace"? Would it make you "soul-sick"?



Would you find yourself secretly honoring your own religion?



You need to have a serious talk with your fiance. You *can* be different & you can have beliefs that don't "mesh", but it requires one thing - mutual respect.



Is this something that you can expect throughout the life of your marriage?



Can he love you and accept you as you are? Would he always be looking to change you? Would your children be brought up in both religions? Would you, and he, be open to raising your children to be open-minded to other views and allow them to choose their own way, or can it only be one religion or the other? How would he react if one, or all, of your children choose your ways over his? How would you react to the reverse? Will he always be bothered by your difference in religious views, or can he come to terms with the differences between you? Does he realize exactly how much this hurts you? Does he realize exactly how important your religion is to you? How would he feel if you were constantly speaking to him in a disparaging manner about his beliefs and if you were to insist that he give up his ways for yours?



Could you be open and describe how you feel about his treatment of your beliefs? Could you share with him how you feel when you connect with the Gods, perform a ritual, honor the changing seasons and the Earth through the Sabbats? Could you express to him the ways that Paganism makes you a better person? Would you be able to explain to him how much of a lie it would be if you were to pretend to be a Christian for him? How would he feel about that? Would he really be ok with you lying to his church and his pastor just to please him? Would he be ok with you being unhappy for the rest of your lives?



What kind of a wedding would you have? (I'd say it's a fair bet that a handfasting is out of the question with him.) Is a civil ceremony ok wiht him, or would it have to be one performed at his church? Could you explain that your preference is to be handfasted, but that you'd be willing to have a non-denominational ceremony? Would you be willing to concede to a Christian ceremony, maybe if you don't have to make any pronouncements about being a Christian, or be forced to convert, or anything like that?



When you're done with your talk, it's time for some serious soul-searching. Do you honestly believe that you can work this out, or will a marriage between you lead to divorce? Could you go through a Christian ceremony just to please him? (This may be a major point, even if he can come to terms with your beliefs - the ceremony would likely include his family and friends, and he may be adamant that the wedding take place within the framework of his beliefs, if anything just to save face. How well does that one sit with you?) Can you really live with any restrictions that may be imposed upon you? What would be the effects on any children? Keep in mind, if you really can't see any way to live peaceably and you go ahead with marriage and children, and you end up divorcing, you may have to deal with your religion being used against you in court when it comes time to decide custody - even if you convert. Depending on where you live, this may be more or less of a problem, but it's still a consideration.



I think that if he truly loves you, he should want to try to work this out, especially if he is made aware of how much pain his remarks have caused you. He shouldn't want to cause you pain.



Don't just take his words as evidence of change. Set a period of time (several months, at least) during which you can see how sincere he was about any promises and statements made during your talk. If he slips, remind him of what was said. Give him a chance, but be realistic. If you really don't see it working out, you have to decide what to do with that.



If your talk is unproductive, you need to decide how much you're willing to do to stay with this man. Are you willing to give up who you are for him? Can you give up yourself for him? Will you break it off, or will you keep on with it (knowing that you will be unhappy, and that the results may not be lasting)?



Honestly, I think that if he can't make some concessions, (and you may have to make some yourself - you'll have to decide how much is too much) you're going to have to break it off. I wish you luck; nothing about this will be easy for you.





Blessings

~Berkana



Get a taste of religion.

Lick a Witch!

Good luck!



May it all work out for the best!





Blessings

~Berkana



Get a taste of religion.

Lick a Witch!

My mate disapproves of me making it known to his family. He thinks his parents would take it all really, really wrong. My mate is an insufferable agnostic and envies the peace my faith brings me. I wish he could find his own way.

This situation of your's sounds terrible. Religion & politics, dangerous shit. Almost walked out on friends during political arguments. I couldn't deal with my lover picking on me & his self-righteous delusions of grandeur. I can just picture Jesus acting like he doesn't know the followers of his who act like this.

Good JC Fans: A couple I knew, JC followers, were incredibly sweet to the goth kids I hung around with, they always talked with us, and not always about religion. They never pushed anything. I loved them, and they had love for us. I wish all JC's people were like them.

I feel ya!
I come from a very strong christian family and I myself wanted to persue the craft. If any one of my family ever found out... I don't even want to think about it. To my mother, this is all just "devil worship". Believe me, to them, all other religions are wrong and most belong to the "devil". This is why I told her that I am just "atheist", she took it ok, better than I expected. A lot of the guys and chicks in my school also wouldn't take it lightly.

My point is, you will always find people who will object to your religion, no matter how close they may be or how distant. You just have to either find a way round it or come to an aggreement with them. Heck, even my Hindu friend gets critisism from some people about his religion.

I'm a person to know. In every dark cloud there is a silver lining.

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